The Birth of Eden Rose

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philipians 4:13

Before I became pregnant, I knew I wanted my next birth to be a Christ-centered birth.

I am part of a facebook group for LDS moms who choose natural birth, and I have been following their posts in my feed for a few years. From time to time the idea of a Christ-centered birth came up and I loved the idea. Those who had tried it highly recommended the book "The Gift of Giving Life" by Felice Austin, Launi Axman, Heather Farrell, Robyn Allgood, and Sheridan Ripley. I borrowed the book from my sister. It changed me.

I went into this birth with a greater understanding of the sacredness of what I was doing. I was prepared to feel a deeper connection with God, Jesus, Heavenly Mother, my baby, Eve, and all the women supporting me on both sides of the veil. I planned to pray throughout the labor and receive priesthood blessings. I picked inspiring arrangements of Hymns about Christ to play during the labor. I pondered on scriptures and quotes about mothers, babies, and Jesus Christ and His love. Although I worried about complications and worst-case scenarios, I prayed throughout my pregnancy for a smooth labor, health for me and my baby, and to feel a closer connection to Jesus Christ. I never expected Him to answer those prayers with such perfection. 

I began having early labor pains in the first midnight hours of Friday June 23rd. As with my previous labors, they kept me up most of the night but didn't become regular or progress. In the morning, Myles gave me a priesthood blessing before leaving for work. The pains came and went throughout the day as I picked up my Mom from the airport and we went about getting the house more organized. Friday night I was blessed to sleep through the night. I woke up well rested and went through most of Saturday with no contractions at all. Saturday night as Myles, my Mom, and I were watching a movie, I began feeling pretty uncomfortable in my lower abdomen so I decided to take a warm bath and see if it would help. That's when the contractions started coming regularly - probably about 5 minutes apart. The warm water soothed my belly as I swayed through the surges. I was smiling. I felt so calm and happy. Myles came in to see how I was doing and he helped by being with me and answering requests. 

Eventually I decided to get out of the tub and go to bed. I figured if they kept coming regularly after getting out of the tub then this was probably real labor. I slowly sucked in air with each contraction and exhaled the tension while Myles rubbed my back. Contractions got closer, and at about 1 am Sunday morning I called the midwife, Katia. I described what I was experiencing. She wasn't completely convinced I was in active labor, but we decided that If they kept progressing we would meet at the birth center at 2 am. I put on my robe and Myles and I got everything ready to go. He gave me another blessing as we prepared for the birth of our daughter.

Surges were getting stronger and I moaned through them. We woke my Mom to tell her we were going and drove to the birth center. We arrived, chatted a bit, and they checked my dilation. 4 cm. They directed me to the birthing suite. The suite has a bedroom area fully-furnished with a queen size bed, side-tables, an electric fireplace, and a chair. Through another door is our large private bathroom with a large jetted birth tub and everything we could need. 

We got settled and turned on my music. I wanted to get in the tub right away, but the midwives recommended I move around to help labor progress. For a while I bounced on the birthing ball, leaning on Myles as he sat in the chair in front of me. I groaned through each contraction - stealing kisses in the quiet moments, enjoying the music I had chosen. 

I really just wanted to get in the water so we filled the tub and I put my swim-top on. I was so relaxed in the water. I leaned my head back against a towel on the back of the tub, and held Myles hand. I smiled, telling Myles how content I was, how this was my most relaxed labor ever, how there was so much love in that room. You might have thought I was high on pain pills but I had not had any medication! I was thinking of meeting my baby and of how much Jesus Christ loved that baby, and loved me and my family. Eventually I became so relaxed I started dozing between contractions and time slipped by. 

A couple hours later when Katia came to check on me I asked her to check my progress. 6 cm. That's all? I felt a little discouraged and let some negativity come into my mind. I wanted things to move faster. What laboring mother doesn't? This was my third labor, after all.

I thought about getting out of the tub and walking around to help things progress more. I got out of the tub and put my robe on. I stopped to sit on the bed and said a little prayer asking for guidance. I felt that I needed to trust the Lord's timing and not rush things, so I gladly laid down on the bed, propped up by pillows, and dozed between contractions for a while longer. Myles held my hand and I would squeeze it during contractions, then relax and go back to sleep. 

A little while later, I felt ready to get up and walk around. The morning light was beginning to shine through the windows. I had hoped she would be born by then. It was slow-going. I would take a few steps, feel a wave coming on, and stop to lean on Myles and groan and sway through it. My doula/student midwife would squeeze my hips to relieve some of the pressure. Then I would take a few more steps and repeat. We did a few laps like this when I got the news that my sister Fiona had arrived. I was happy and relieved to see her there. I had been letting my impatience create negative thoughts and I needed her. She took over as doula, told me how well I was doing, reassured me that all was going well and it wouldn't be too much longer. That helped a lot, but there was still some tension in me. I wanted labor to move faster. 

I got back in the tub and silently prayed again to know what I could do. I asked to try the nitrous-oxide the birth center provides. They showed me how to use it and I slowly breathed it in. It helped calm me, but pretty soon my fingers started tingling and I didn't like that so I stopped using it.

I asked Myles to pray for me and ask for labor to move faster. Myles, Fiona, and I all prayed together. A few minutes later the surges got stronger. I felt a stubborn cramp in my lower abdomen but the minute I tried to change positions to ease the pain another contraction was coming. Suddenly things were moving very fast. My body was telling me to push. A strong push ended with a pop. My water had broken. The midwives hurried in. Another push and I could feel the birth canal opening as the head slid right through. I was so surprised! That was fast! I wanted to hold her! I instinctively reached down, pushed again, and she slid into my hands. As I was bringing her up to me Katia stopped me to pull the umbilical cord out of the way.

I brought her purple, waxy form up to my chest, and she stretched her neck, lifted her head up high, and opened her eyes for the first time, blinking against the light. It was beautiful! It was like watching an angel stretch her wings and take her first flight. 

I loosened the tie on my swimsuit for skin-to-skin and someone placed a towel over us. I talked to her, told her I loved her and was so glad to meet her. I asked her if she liked the name Eden Rose. She didn't seem to object, so I announced the name to the room.

I can't compare this feeling to anything else. The feeling of awe as we all marveled over this precious new soul... it's so unique and sacred. I imagine I might feel similar when I see the Savior's face again.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me... Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me.

Eden Rose Porter was born on June 25th at 9:29 am. She weighed 7lbs, 3oz and was 21 inches long. She fills my heart and my home with love and joy.

Baby Steps and Tender Mercies

Paisley's time at Primary Children's Hospital - Days 8 & 9

Over the next few days Paisley continued dialysis. It was tricky because they would plan a certain amount of time on the dialysis machine, and then it would just stop working and they would have to stop the whole process and reevaluate. Then, sometimes the catheter in her jugular would weaken and she would have to get a new one. That is another ordeal. It was worth the struggles because we could tell the dialysis was really helping her. Gradually, her lungs began to improve and she started to pee more (a sign of good kidney function). Meanwhile, we were still crossing our fingers that the breathing tube could come out soon.
Occasionally, the effects of the sedatives would weaken and Paisley would start to wake up a little. This was good because we could get an idea of brain function and she was showing some good signs, but it was also very hard for me and my family. When she would start to wake up she would grimace in pain, make strained noises, and try weakly to raise her arms. It was clear to me that she was hurting and there was nothing I could do to help but hold her hand and tell that I was there and I loved her. That combined with the constant ups and downs of dialysis and disappointment over the breathing tube was very hard on me emotionally.
The night of day 9 Was one of those break-down moments when I needed to get away and have a good cry. Myles and I left Paisley in the very capable care of the ICU nurses, went outside to one of the hospital gardens, and sat on a bench under some trees. We talked and cried for a while, and then we had an experience that was very special to me.
We were talking about trials and how God helps us learn from them. I told him I didn't know what God wanted me to learn from all this. He gently said:
"Why don't you ask Him?"
"He doesn't talk to me!" I cried and hung my head and sobbed. Myles went quiet. For what seemed like hours (but was really only a minute or two) I just cried. I felt so lost and alone.
Then, clearly in my mind came the scripture reference- Doctrine and Covenants 121. I opened the scripture app on my phone (thank you technology) and looked up the section. These verses stood out to me:

"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? [...] My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."

It was as if God Himself were saying it to me personally. He was talking to me. I knew it, Myles knew it, and I knew that God was listening to my every prayer and cared about every detail of my struggles. I felt such comfort! Myles and I hugged and cried some more.
I am so grateful for the scriptures. I am so glad that I studied them in seminary and religion classes, and I am so thankful I knew that scripture well enough to find it when I needed it. I know that the scriptures are God's word and he speaks to us personally through them. They bring the spirit and open a conduit to heaven. If you ever feel lost and alone, open the scriptures. God is there for you and He will give you what you need. Whether you need comfort, love, or guidance, He is there for you always. Just reach out.

To the Music Therapists Who Sang My Daughter to Sleep

November is the month of Thankfulness and there are 2 people I am thankful for today. The problem is, I don't know how to tell them, since I don't remember their names.

To the Music Therapists Who Sang My Daughter to Sleep,

My 2 year-old daughter was in rehab in the Neuro Trauma unit of Primary Children's Hospital recovering from a very serious illness which had affected her brain. It was early September, 2014.
I was excited for you to come! I love music, and believe in it's power to help other's heal and stimulate development. You came prepared with your guitar and gave my daughter instruments to play along to fun songs designed to help her recovery. Her participation was minimal and it soon became clear that she was too tired to cooperate, and how do you persuade a struggling toddler? Wanting to help in any way you could, you offered to sing her to sleep.
"Are there any songs she likes to fall asleep to?" You asked.
"Do you know any primary songs?" I replied
In my church we use primary songs to teach children about Jesus Christ and God's plan. I don't think you were members of my church, but you did know one song - "I Am A Child Of God." You began to play. I sat there on the bed of the hospital room cradling my daughter, rocking her like a newborn, and I sang along.

"I am a child of God
and He has sent me here;
has given me an earthly home 
with parents kind and dear.
Lead me, guide me.
Walk beside me.
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
to live with Him someday."

I began the second verse; "I am a child of God, and so my needs are great." That line was all I could manage before the sobs came. I was overcome with thoughts of the great needs of my beautiful daughter, struggling to recover from this serious illness at such a young age. God had given her to me and it was my responsibility to take care of those needs. I thought of my own great needs as I was also struggling through this very difficult time. I thought of all the people God had sent to me to help me with those great needs - including the two of you.
You continued to play and hum along to the sound of my sobs. You respected my pain and sustained me with your heavenly tune. Your music brought such great comfort as I felt the love of the Lord for me and my daughter. My weeping was an essential release, a way to remove some of the stress that had burdened me for so long. Your beautiful music made that possible.
I believe that music can bring peace, hope, and healing in a most beautiful and powerful way. It connects us to those around us and reminds us that we are not alone in our emotions. Your music did that for me.

Thank you, for helping in any way you could.
Thank you, for using your amazing talents to benefit those who truly need it.
Thank you, for knowing the song which meant so much to me.
Thank you, for respecting the struggles of me and my daughter.
Thank you, for facilitating that therapeutic release of pent up stress.
Thank you, for finding the beauty in my pain and struggle.
Thank you, for sharing your love with me, and reminding me of the love of God, family, and friends.

I still weep when I think of this powerful experience. You cannot know the effect it has had on me, or the effect you have on all those you work with. My daughter probably doesn't remember you (I don't think she remembers anything from her time in the hospital) but I will never forget the power you gave me.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Melodie, the weeping mother.

Complications

Allow me to give a brief explanation of her illness to help you better understand. In the words of my husband, "It's kind of a chain reaction. The specific strain of E-coli produces a toxin. The toxin wounds the inside of the microscopic vessels in the organs and breaks down blood cells. This causes clotting that basically shuts down blood flow through the organs. Usually brain, kidneys, and pancreas, but sometimes the heart, liver, or other organs. Until the body can break down the clots AND repair the micro vessels, her body just needs to be supported." 
On day 4 she began to experience complications from all the fluid retention because her kidneys weren't filtering out enough fluid through her urine. She began to experience fluid build up around her heart causing a heart "gallup", fluid around her lungs making it more difficult for her to breathe on her own, and she got a fever. Then, when they started giving her nutrition through tube feeds she developed pancreatitis (inflammation of the pancreas). The complications also meant that it would be a while before she could come off the breathing tube. All this bad news was very hard on me and I began to feel very frustrated and helpless again. I was angry at the doctors for giving her so much fluid when they could have prevented this by scaling back. We discussed this with them and they finally reduced some of her fluids, although she had to receive some because she was getting her meds through the IVs. The doctors increased her dosage of diuretics and we began to pray for her to pee more. She needed to release all the fluid inside her!
When that didn't work fast enough, they finally decided to give her dialysis on day 5 (Aug 9). Dialysis is basically where they use a huge catheter in her jugular vein to draw out blood from the body and filter it through a loud, whirring machine to remove toxins from the blood. The machine can also remove some of the excess water from the body in the process, if necessary. However, it became more complicated than that. For the process to work the catheter had to be stable and in just the right position. If it began to lose it's integrity it would have to be replaced. Also, any clots or blockages in the machine can cause the whole thing to shut down. In this case, any blood that is in the machine when it shuts down cannot be returned to her body, so she would have to have a transfusion to replace the lost blood. During her dialysis treatments we dealt with these obstacles often.

Paisley is attached to the dialysis machine, named "James Bond" because it's number is 007.

Although the machine was loud, bulky, and complicated, this treatment was a huge help to her. we could see the swelling slowly go down, starting in her hands and feet, and gradually moving to her face and body. The fluid in her lungs decreased fairly quickly and we were able to do "trials" off the ventilator, which is where they turn it off for a little while to see how she does breathing on her own. She was doing well. She also began to pee more as a response to the medications. It was a relief to finally see some real progress, but she still had a long way to go.

The orange tube going into her nose is how they gave her liquefied food while she couldn't eat on her own. The tube coming out of her neck is the dialysis catheter where they drew out and reinserted her blood. The tube in her mouth is the breathing tube. I don't remember what the sensor on her forehead was for.

Paisely still had a Pericardial Effusion (fluid around the heart) Pancreatitis, and major kidney damage her body was trying to heal and this took a toll on her body. In addition, although the dialysis helped a lot, it does damage the blood cells so her body had to deal with that as well. 

My next focus was getting the breathing tube out so she could breathe on her own and come out of sedation. It seemed like this was always delayed by something. When they put the tube in, we didnt realize how difficult it would be to get it out! The doctors were very cautious because having to put a breathing tube back in again can hurt the throat. I was confident she could breathe on her own, but I figured the doctors are the experts and "better safe than sorry", so we waited.

Day 6 was a Sunday. Myles and I decided to let the nurses watch over Paisley for 45 minutes so we could go to a sacrament meeting our church provided in the hospital for patients and their families. I remember the talks and music were beautiful. I felt they were specifically planned to provide comfort and strength to families in our situation. I felt strongly that Christ was there with us. His atonement enabled Him to feel the suffering of our daughter and ourselves. He could comfort and strengthen us because He had experienced it and knew how to overcome it. I felt the love and grace of our Savior lifting me, giving me the strength I needed to get through another day. I was so grateful for that service by our church and I knew I had a huge support system there for me through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I know that the Savior did suffer for us, every specific pain, illness, and sin so that He could succor us. I know it because He came to my aid that day.